so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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