hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
