I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
How many fucks given?
0.12846
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
