i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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