Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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