Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
