was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
