I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
