my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
