Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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