I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
