Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
