you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
