This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
