I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
