Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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