Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my shit smells like andre
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
