Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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