I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
