I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just found a bag of teeth...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
