In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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