It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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