32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Randomize
