last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
