i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
