Umm I'm too high to move.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I need moral support for this bender
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
