i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
