K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
