She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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