Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
