So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
