i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
