Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
