just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
