I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
