I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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