i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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