Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
