My sheets look like a crime scene.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
