totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
