i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
