The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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