I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
