Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
