Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
