I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
