I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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