I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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