i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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