My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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