she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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