Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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