Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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