I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
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