Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
