Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
