New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
